tell it to f off.

That’s what I would tell my friends. It’s what I HAVE told my friends. And for some reason, sometimes I don’t take my own advice.

Groundbreaking revelation for you all, I’m sure.

I saw this meme yesterday and I thought it was so fitting for this week in my life:

I ended Sunday sick to my stomach because Brian told me not to come home. I saw the warning signs of him having a new… girlfriend? Partner? Hoe on the side? quite some time ago, but over and over again, he looked me in the eyes and said no. He told me he had no reason to lie to me. He said he was past that part and he’s just been hanging out with some guys friends (which I also knew was untrue because of social media and what said guy friends had been posting, but I just said okay).

Sunday night, I stayed at Laura’s and got a storage unit. I mentally prepared myself to be asked for my key on Monday. I thought my stuff would be packed up and waiting. But then, I got the “I’m sorry I upset you, you can come home. This is your house too and I don’t want to make you feel bad” messages.

I stayed at Laura’s and watched Harry Potter until 5am.

Monday, I cried my whole way home. I wasn’t sure what I was walking into. Anyone who has dealt with a narcissist abuser knows you can get one person at 12:00 and another entirely different person at 12:05. I carefully approached and was met with the nice version of Brian. I was thankful. I sat down and ate lunch, we talked. It was civil. Nobody yelled, nobody blamed. We discussed me moving out, him looking at getting a roommate to help with the bills, what things may look like until I go. All very adult. During this time, Brian was texting a lot, but said it was his mom and the guy, Josh, that may be coming by to take a look at the space. He told me he needed to go to Walmart to grab some more floor cleaner and oil for the mower since it needed to be changed and he’s back in like an hour. I know I asked him if he was really going to Walmart or going out with people because I just had an unsettling feeling that I couldn’t put my finger on. Brian said no, and reiterated he had no reason to lie to me anymore. He said he hated who he was towards me and this was the restart of something civil. He also said he thought maybe we could discuss what other things may lie ahead. He had bought his mom flowers but she didn’t come over so he said they were for me. He was proud of me for the work I had put in and how different I was.

I’d like to pause here and note in 11 years, I can remember this “no reason to lie anymore” conversation happening NO LESS THAN 3 times per year, and some years, it happened monthly. This was already the second in 2025…

I was really feeling proud of myself. Throughout my IOP, I worked HARD on the foundational blocks to stand on. My self confidence and worth is increasing within me. I feel worthy of taking up space in my own life. Despite being empathetic to everyone, I was prepared to hold a permanent space for me first.

Therapy did its thing, y’all! I think I even did a little woohoo dance.

Four hours later, that self doubt rammed its ugly, mullet head at the door holding book of matches and a fifth of bourbon, not even offering a shot to numb what was about to happen.

I had been cleaning up and got a tad dizzy (okay, I was dehydrated because I suck at drinking water) and passed out in the garage, hitting my head. COOL, EM. I tried to call Brian because it had been four hours and WHO would ever want to spend that much time in Walmart if you weren’t getting paid? He immediately ignored my call so I texted, explained what had happened, and asked if he was going to be home soon, and if he could pick up a Gatorade for me.

No harm in that simple text, right?

Wrongoooooo

The text I got about 35 mins later made me sick to my stomach. Brian had been out with someone. No, not someone…someone he had been seeing. She knew who I was. He told her I was a coworker. She told him she wanted to speak to me. AND SHE FOLLOWED HIM HOME AND PARKED HERSELF AT THE BOTTOM OF MY DRIVEWAY UNTIL I AGREED.

I don’t remember what my first thought was exactly, the world turned a really hellish black and red with burning hot flames and dementors swirling around me. The breath left my lungs.

I had given space for truth – I was lied to again. I had offered an olive branch – I was being moved around like a pawn in a game I didn’t even know was happening. I entertained thoughts of hope for peace and friendship – I was met with deception and enemies who knew me before I knew they were in the world.

I ignored five rapid calls from Brian before I gave up and shakily answered with an incredibly meek “hello?”. And this man, if I can even call him that, asked how I was feeling.

He told me she was in the neighborhood, she was coming down Canyon. She needed to talk to me tonight or it would be over for them. He told me he liked her and he never wanted any of this to happen. He offered a simple “sorry, I guess I could have told you earlier” and I lost it. My cool was heated until I was a puddle.

At the end of it, I told him I had no desire to meet or talk to her today – I didn’t sleep for two nights, and I passed out and didn’t feel well. I kept being pressured. He said she wouldn’t take no for an answer. If I didn’t come out, she would knock on the door.

I think, at that moment, I realized Brian can’t stand up for himself at all. And it made me really sad. I was told several times in therapy I was never an equal partner, I was someone who he wanted to take care of him. It became evident when this girl (who I ended up going out to meet because I wanted to get it over with) yelled at him in my driveway and I couldn’t handle it.

Realistically, I can’t turn 11 years of love off, but I can lessen the space that takes my up heart with it. But nobody has the right to come up and yell at my husband (it’s even so weird to write that since it’s only true on paper) and have me sit by idly.

The panic attack that followed in my garage was directly linked to her calling him out for saying he wanted to marry her, take care of her children, and have a baby with her.

That, I’ll have to write about another day…but I did my grounding counting, and tapped the crap out of my chest, and spoke my thoughts out loud for them to clear my space, and reminded myself to breathe, and cuddled my dogs, and stretched, and sobbed horrifically until I vomited. And I know it helped because despite me having a really rough night, I did find a few moments of rest, and I didn’t allow myself to go back to any of my unhealthy coping skills. I’ll have to write about that another day too…

For now, I’m sitting in my car at a CFA, eating an insanely delicious pretzel bun sandwich and CFA sauce chips, processing big feelings before I go home. It’s weird to not really have a true home anywhere.

Until then, here’s to the trees, flag, cars, sunglasses, and construction I can see; phone, steering wheel, napkin, and purse I can touch; traffic, people, and wind I can hear; diet Dr Pepper and pretzel bun I can smell; and chips I can taste.

And damn, those chips are good.