…and was met with an overwhelming mix of feelings.

I started the day by waking up on time to puppy snuggles, which is better than coffee any morning. My dogs have been a bit spoiled this week with my IOP starting out as virtual so we’ve had slower mornings full of snuggles and me starting work from bed. Talk about a small blessing for my mental health. They were confused and a little concerned when I got out of bed and not only got dressed in not comfy clothes, but I also put a bra and real shoes on.

Trust me, Dot and Leo, you weren’t the only ones with a UGHHH face this morning!

After their morning routine, I was actually leaving the house on time (a big deal for me!) and realized I needed gas. I went to the gas station and the pump was SOOO slow, I had to leave and go to the one across the street (which does not participate on Upside – also, shameless plug if you don’t have anyone you know using the app, use my referral code to get extra $$$ EMILY2943222 ).

Anywhoooo, after I got gas, I was only going to be like 10 mins late, which realistically would have been like 7 because #NOVAdrivers but then there was an accident. And construction. And the EMS had to come through while we were down to 1 lane. And a downpour. If you give a mouse a cookie, y’all.

Long story short, I missed my meeting in person and had to be conference called in which made me annoyed because 1 – I WAS GOING TO BE ON TIME! and 2 – I put a bow in my hair and mascara on to look professional.

Once in my building, I felt extremely guilty for not being there this week. I’m desperately getting the help I need and am grateful for this time, but I realized I’m missed and needed here too. I got hugs, and “OMG YOU’RE HERE!!s”, and mixed looks of pity and relief. I may be making that last part up but it sure felt like it. I felt tip-toed around a little, like they didn’t want to say anything triggering.

How you do eloquently tell people you’re not fragile when the note you sent them last week said you reached your breaking point?

I did my IOP group and therapy from my work office today and it felt good. People respected my Do Not Disturb notice and I was able to smile and hear some of the chatter from the community I’ve missed from home. My goal is two days in the office next week.

After group, I saw one of my favorite people in the world, Chandis, and we talked about our own therapies. She dried my tears and reminded me that I was in this for all the reasons I needed to be. It’s week one and I already feel like there is so much heavy stuff I have to unpack, I don’t know if there’s enough time. Then I cried to Jackie over a video chat because she’s my work wife and I’m her right arm, right leg, and left kidney.

I’m so fortunate to have amazing support – which makes the feeling of guilt and helplessness even more difficult to comprehend.

So now, here it is, 8:30pm, and I’m dreading leaving this place because, once again, the guilt of knowing I should be here is setting in.

I think I’ll be back here Wednesday and Thursday next week.