Isn’t that gross? It’s not like I haven’t showered; I totally have. But taking my hair out of its knotty bun, running a brush through it, standing and lathering it up with shampoo (two or three times to get it clean at this point), then brushing it AGAIN is overwhelming. Forget about drying it; I’m just thankful I can get away with an air-dried look!

I am fighting a depressive episode right now and it’s rough. I bought myself an electronic toothbrush that buzzes in intervals so I know when to move the brush. I scheduled a float the last week when I knew I needed to wash my hair because you can’t get in the tank without it (and floating is super beneficial and relaxing to me so like win-win).

I can’t see the floor of my closet because shit is piled/thrown everywhere. I don’t know the last time I changed my sheets. I can’t remember the last time I cleaned my bathroom floors. There are dishes in the sink that have been there for maybe like a week and a half. I have expired food in the back of my fridge that I can’t be bothered to lean in and throw away.

I’m fighting myself to be upright and typing this right even in this moment – partly because I know I need to get some of these thoughts out of my head, partly because I had therapy today and I want to remember what Kait told me, and partly because, on the off chance someone reads this, they will know they aren’t alone. I’m so tired of telling people I’m okay or fine or great when I’m not just because I don’t want to be a burden.

Kait talked about measuring your willingness to do things and survive in the mode of a battery today and it made so much sense. When you’re at 100%, you can do anything. When you’re at 50%, you can’t expect the results to be the same as when you’re at 100%. We determined I’m at 20% today – I did some work (thanks, snow, for the WFH option today), put on clothes (just shorts and a sweatshirt, let’s not get too excited when I say clothes…no bra today), and didn’t do therapy from my bed (I actually came DOWNSTAIRS! okay, it was because of the dogs, but still, a win). I haven’t eaten today, but the task seemed so overwhelming, and I didn’t want two heads in my lap drooling and begging while I was trying to talk to her. I also didn’t have the “if I hadn’t woken up this morning, I’d be happy” thought. Y’all. That’s a win for me. The Lexapro is trying to Lexapro.

She was telling me about a friend of hers who talks about habits on a microscale. If you can’t brush your teeth, gargle mouthwash. If you can’t make a sandwich, eat the turkey and cheese without putting it on bread. It’s a way to show you’re trying and that you’re worth the effort.

I WILL START MICROSCALING EVERYTHING NOW. I can do that. Baby steps.

Kait also talked about making sure I’m receptive to help and if someone asks, “what can I do for you?”, it’s okay to tell them choices are better for me. How often do we do that? Empty “what can I do” or “let me know how I can help” because we’re trying to be helpful. It’s like the chronic “I’m praying for you” response on a Facebook post – are you really stopping what you’re doing and praying for them? Most of the time, people aren’t. When the thought of standing up is overwhelming, you think I’m going to be able to form a thought that this one thing will help me? Absolutely not. So, I’ll work on making sure those closest to me ask in choice form. It’s silly, because I do this for people all the time – “I’m running to the store to grab XYZ, I’ll get you some, too.”; “I’m coming by to help you fold your laundry while we watch The Eras Tour again.”; “I’m bringing dinner by for you, let me know if 6:45 is okay or if you want it sooner.”

I AM THE FRIEND I NEED. How poetic…and pathetic.

I do have incredible friends. My support system is amazing. Today, after therapy, I texted Karen and asked if she would text me tomorrow and asked if I showered. Coming from her, if I tell her no, not yet, it won’t be met with gross judgement; it’ll be met with hey, we can do this – after all, a few weeks ago, I got blackout drunk and cried in the shower that I needed Karen to come take care of me. 😣

My goals (and microscale goals) for the rest of the week are:
Finish my laundry and put clothes away – just finish the laundry so it’s clean, it’s okay to pick clothes out of the basket.
Do your morning and night routine every day – brush your teeth a minimum, wash your face if you can. The rest can wait.
Clean my room – change my sheets at minimum.

I downloaded the Finch app a few days ago and I am equally proud and embarrassed I had to do it. I put basic tasks in there: get out of bed, wash your face, brush your teeth, shower, drink water; but also a few things that I thought would help me: take three deep breaths, take a stretch break, do one thing that makes you happy, write down a goal for tomorrow. My little finch is named Birdy, she’s a toddler, and she has a pink tutu and pink fairy wings. I’m gonna be real with you, it would be so easy for me to just check off the things so the dang bird completes her adventures, but I’m actually not doing that, I’m checking off what I’m actually doing so I can look back and see if it was a good or productive day and hopefully help track when it’s not. If you have the app and wanna be friends with Birdy, my friend code is CSXQ8JAFR5.