In an effort to try to be more mindful and help identify what some of my anxieties are and where they’re coming from, I’m going to try to reflect on the previous month and see if there are any patterns that come out of it. Kait, I’m doing the damn thing – aren’t you proud??

How would I rate my month out of ten?
I’d rate January a solid 7/10.

What went well for me this month? 
I put myself out there and tried to meet some new people. I prioritized my mental health this month with several big losses in our community. I spent time alone, with friends, and with family. I moved my body and watched a lot of good sports. At the end of the month, I tried to take a bit of control back by resigning up for WW. I can say there were several moments of pure joy in January.

What didn’t go so well for me this month? 
I allowed myself to romanticize a Tinder match and when it ultimately didn’t go the way I expected it to, I felt responsible and immediately went back to a dark place. I also spent a lot more than I had budgeted for and allowed myself to try to put others before me financially without considering the repercussions of my actions. I realize I do this in an effort to be more likeable in a situation – everyone likes the person who treats, right?
While I did move my body more, I ended up gaining a little bit of weight, which continues to cause pain in my body. I also ran/hid from my church family because I feel like I have fallen out of touch. I’m looking forward to getting back into a routine with them soon (of course, I’m writing this while not being at bible study so that’s super cool…).

What lessons did I learn this month?
While you can take the time and have the best intentions with someone you’re planning on meeting, once you are in front of that person, no version of you is going to matter except the one they made up in their mind. At the end of the day, you don’t deserve to change yourself unless it makes you happy.

What is my happiest memory from the month?
Getting to watch The Commanders make it to the NFC Championship game. I was able to spend the time over several weeks with good friends being excited about something that we hadn’t seen in a really long time, while making some new friends. (Of course, we don’t talk about me during the actual NFC Championship game…)

Has anything been making me feel stressed this past month?
The tension in my house is increasing at an alarming rate. With Brian telling me he wants me out, then wants me to stay, wants me out, wants me to stay (x 5479841), the several deaths in the community, not being where we need to be census wise, and the realization that I will have to move away from my sweet pups, I’d say my stress is at an all-time high. I’m also not really sleeping well unless I’m sleeping next to someone so I maybe sleep once every 7-10 days. Cool. 

What could make my days more enjoyable?
Taking moments to organize myself so I’m not in a constant state of panic everywhere I go. My room is a mess, my closet is a mess, my desk is a mess, I look like I live out of my car (hey, not a horrible idea when it gets a little warmer…). I’m so overwhelmed, I have no idea where to even begin though.

Did I try anything new?
I didn’t “try” anything new, but I did bowl break 100 a few times in bowling – but BAM still usually beats me.

What do I need to stop doing?
OMG – SO much! Spending money on things I don’t need, drinking so much (which will help with the money thing for sure), procrastinating in my divorce and just do the fucking thing already. And trying to make else someone love me just because I am lonely. Oh, maybe getting to work on time/at a decent time? nah, one thing at a time, Emmy…

I’m thinking most months are going to have pretty similar answers, maybe varying a little here and there – I don’t see myself realistically not swiping on someone when I’m bored (because it’s nice to hear I have pretty eyes! The only people who tell me that are strangers online). I can see myself constantly battling spending too much money to get someone’s attention. And that’s just something Kait and I will continue to work on. Hear that, Kait…you get to keep me for a few more weeks. Lucky you.